Pet Peeves: Part I: Restaurants

I have a lot of pet peeves.

This one is about restaurants.

I've been to restaurants in many countries in addition to the United States, but my favorites are in France and Italy, not only for the quality of the food but for the service or, depending on your perspective, the lack of service. But not many Americans probably agree with me.

Here's what I hate about most restaurants in this country.

The waiters and waitresses are always trying to sell you food and beverages. For example, when waiters (sorry I'm going to use male nouns and pronouns) ask you what you want to drink and you say "I'll only have water," they immediately ask, "Are you sure? We also have wine and beer." I know you have wine and beer. What do you think I'm a moron and forgot or couldn't read the menu? Or do you think I'm so stupid that I don't know what I want?

Of course, this happens with the entire meal. If I only order an entree, say the salmon, waiters are not satisfied with that so they have to ask "Don't you want an appetizer? We have some great fried calamari!"

I say, "No thanks," but what I'm saying to myself is, "Idiot, if I wanted to order the fried calamari I would have ordered it. What am I, a child, who needs to be prompted to order?"

Well, of course, many Americans are like children such that they allow waiters to talk them into ordering everything on the menu.

Then, and this never happens in France, the waiter has to interrupt my mediocre meal to ask "Is everything all right"? I say, "Yes, thanks," but what I say to myself is "It was all right until you came up for the fifth time to ask me if everything was all right."

Christ, they just won't leave you alone in American restaurants.

And then when you finally finish your meal and ask for the check, their last stand is to ask whether you want coffee and to see the desert menu. "No," I say to myself, "I just want to get out of here and go home where I can do what I thought I could do here -- relax."

I want a waiter who both waits on me and waits for me. If I need something, I'll call you and ask for it. Just take my order and bring me the damn food, and leave me alone.

Of course, waiters (and restaurants) push food and beverages because they want you to run up a bigger bill. And, frankly, many customers fall for these sales ploys, so why wouldn't they keep selling. Also, the waiter gets a bigger tip. Well here's a tip: leave me alone and be ready at my beck and call and I'll give you a big tip!

In France, you have to send up flares to get the waiter's attention, but I prefer that to an over eager waiter that, like a fly, keeps buzzing around me throughout the whole meal.

Just one of my pet peeves.